Coming into myself; Third Trimester Confession

This week marks the third trimester. It also marks the week (27) that I’ve stepped back into myself.

Settling in. Creating a new nest; far, far away from my old home. It feels good to ground myself here.

I feel the need to be painfully honest here, to vent, to unveil. The day we found out I was pregnant set off a whirlwind of intense, difficult events thereafter. We were very surprised at the news. There are a ton of mixed emotions coming with an unplanned pregnancy.

What about school?

What about work?

How can I raise a child?

Are we ready?

Am I too young?

What about my body?

The list goes on. Elation, panic, anxiety, fear, worry, excitement. 10 months is an ironically, good amount of time to come to accept these emotions, to understand and embrace them.

Shortly after this news, more news followed. A few friends and myself found ourselves facing legal matters. A close friend of ours became frightening and threatening. He unexpectedly crept into our lives, bought our trust, and then panicked. To make a very long story short, he ended up being taken into custody with serious charges and is currently detained with mental health therapy. I pray for this man daily. I felt naive, defeated, scared, in danger, paranoid, depressed. Whilse carrying child, I felt a strong urge to run. To move, far, far away. So Dan and I, moved North, where I thought we could be safe. For a little at least.

Our old friend at this point, was released onto house arrest. Which he broke and started North, miles from where we were. More fear struck me. I needed to protect myself, my partner, and my unborn child. We fled again. He turned himself back in, weeks later, and   I felt I was able to somewhat sleep again. This second residence wouldn’t be our last to welcome our sweet child into. Things didn’t work out finacnially there. We made another move, another temporary move, but one where we could be alone, supported, together, and more stable.

So this brings me to this moment in time, we just signed another lease to an adorable, affordable home where we will welcome our baby girl and hopefully be at for more than 6 months. The pieces seem to be coming together this week. And for that, I am immensely grateful. This has been a 27 week roller coaster, which happened to coincide with this pregnancy. I fell into a hole, I lost myself, a deep depression that I’ve felt once before; and now I’ve climbed out. The fog I felt that was constantly over me has cleared. I stopped writing, I stopped taking photos, I stopped moving, I stopped caring. This halt ends today. I reclaim my spirit and I’m excited to move forward.

Despite the roller coaster of the past few months, there are a few silver linings. Our little girl, of course. She will soon surprise, swoon, and challenge us in ways we cannot foresee. Dan and I’s relationship strength has proved to be strong and resilient. Our love has grown much deeper, as if I even knew that was possible. And I’ve learned to trust my intuition, at all costs. For it knows best, regardless of what my brain is screaming.

One pregnancy, four houses, three moves, and one life-threatening case later; and we are here. Home. Hand in hand. Surviving, loving, pushing forward, and growing.

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